A reader wrote to me:
Dear Fiona, I made a
mistake and told my sister about my dream to be an etiquette/image coach. Huge
mistake, she told me that I will never be successful :( How can I get my joy back for a career I know I
would excel in but have lost my enthusiasm for?
Firstly, my heart broke a little bit, as I mention in the
video. When you’re a creative, sensitive
type who wants to make the world a beautiful place (just describing myself
here, not necessarily our reader), you’re an easy target for people who want to
stomp all over the flowerbeds and keep you firmly rooted in reality.
But what is reality anyway?
I have found over the past few years that it is not what I thought it
was. There are two kinds actually: the
reality you are living right now, which is constructed entire of your beliefs
and thoughts leading up to this point, and then there is the reality of your
future – starting today – which you can shape exactly as you please.
I started dreaming of a different future for myself and my
husband, and now we are living it. I am
now dreaming bigger, being more of who I am and thinking ‘Wow, can things get
even better than this? (spoiler alert: they can).
I invite you to watch my video response to our reader
question to see my thoughts on handling people who don’t have the same
optimistic view on life that you might have.
Also, I have a few additional thoughts from recording this
video:
Consider the source: could this person be envious of you
doing something that you love and would be good at when they think they just
have to plod along with their normal life?
Know that they might just be trying to keep you safe. Most people think they have to live a normal
life and to do anything outside that is wildly dangerous.
How to handle statements like this?
Say ‘Thank you’ and smile. Then do exactly what you were
going to do anyway.
Perhaps ask them to expand so that you can get a bit more of
their thought process. I like to say to
people (in many different situations, not just this one) ‘How do you mean
exactly. Can you say a bit more?’ I don’t say it in an unpleasant way; I’m genuinely
interested.
If they mean well, you can calm down when you hear their
responses, and if they are being passive aggressive or unkind, it’s back on
them to either expand on or withdraw their comments.
Then:
Vow to yourself that you will always support people who
confide in you and be their cheerleaders.
Even if you just say ‘that sounds like an incredible idea!’ Unfortunately I have been unsupportive to
people at times in the past, but when I did it, I believed I was helping them
see reality. Of course you can imagine
it was not a good conversation for either of us and I have learned for that.
And also vow to yourself that you will never give
unsolicited advice. It is not good for either
the giver or the receiver. As above, I
have had plenty of unsolicited advice both spouted from my own mouth to others,
and also been on the receiving end.
Again, I have learned to not
give it. Ever.
I heard a good tip recently (but can’t remember where
sorry), and it was this: You can say to someone ‘I have some thoughts on that
if you’d like to hear them. It might be helpful
to you, so just let me know if you’re interested’. And then move onto something else. If they come back to you they will be in a
more receptive state of mind. I would
use this only if I really, really felt strongly about my idea though. People will work out what’s best for them
anyway, without you bossing them around!
So, I’d love to hear if you have been on the receiving end
of any criticism or ‘helpful’ advice, and, how you responded (or how you wish
you’d responded, because don’t you find that the zingy/strong/witty comeback
always pops into your mind hours later???)
Keep dreaming big and know that I will be cheering you along
:)
~Fiona~
